In order to test the woman who is excitedly awaiting the abortion she thinks she should have for fun, tell her the following "joke" and see if she laughs:
"How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?"
"Nail its other hand to the floor."
If the Woman of Sin responds with anything that isn't heavy sobbing, proceed with immediate vaginal probing. This is proof positive she loathes babies and prefers paying more money just in order to get pregnant on purpose so she can use abortions as birth control for fun, instead of abstaining from sex entirely like everyone should.]
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Dear Woman of Sin,
Life begins at arousal, and if you didn't want to get pregnant you should have abstained from all forms of interaction with men. Being a nun is the only method of preventing unwanted pregnancies that is 100% effective.
Did you know that God put that baby inside you? He wants it to grow and he wants you to love it. Don't you love your baby? Surely you won't choose to murder a gift that God has given you. You surely don't hate gifts! Do you hate God? Perhaps you hate babies and want them all to die?
Never mind the fact that it's not a person yet, and in fact barely a clump of cells (less than what a fly's brain consists of) with no cognitive ability and no pain receptors and no rights as a human being.
Never mind the fact that discontinuing the pregnancy will not actually cause breast cancer, but WHAT IF IT DOES!?! What if you kill your baby for fun and then god smites you...with CANCER, for killing it! Specifically, innocent clumps of cells are factually more worthy of life and decent quality of life than you as a grown cognitive adult are. Those cells have never sinned, just like Jesus! You as a sinner are damaged and broken, which is probably why you've allowed the devil to lead you to this abortion clinic.
The idea that your woman-brain is capable of making informed decisions regarding your own uterus is factually ludicrous! We all know and understand that the brains of women were created by God to understand domestic tasks such as cooking, making and taking care of bundles of God's joy, cleaning and of course shopping!! Woman-brains were not intended to make such heavy decisions as to whether or not abortion is murder. It is murder. Now, God may have slaughtered a few thousand people (children included) in his time, but dear Woman of Sin none of us will ever fully understand the mind of God, but I can tell you God wants you to love all the babies he implants in your womb.
Your refusal to accept all of these true facts, evidenced by the bible and God's desires, has led you to be forced to read this letter of intention. We hereby intend to penetrate your vagina and prod around inside you for an ultrasound so that you may see the features and heartbeat of your gift from God that you want to murder in cold blood for fun. Your emotions have just not reached full intensity and thereby require us to manipulate and tweak them so that you will have a more personal experience and understand. By doing so, we are helping you to feel the way you're supposed to.
Should this mandatory vaginal ultrasound fail to change your mind and you still insist on going through with aborting such a perfect gift, then we will petition for another law in response. Said law will require you to hold a real newborn baby (acquired from the maternity ward, from mothers who are good mothers who will donate their babies for a specific length of time in order for us to use them to further tamper with your emotions) while we show you videos of babies being violently murdered. This will surely put you in the informed mindset in order to make a moral decision based on factually real truth.
I hope you've found this to be educational and informative.
In Jesus's perfect, fetus-loving name,
Virginia
-ironkidd
"Said law will require you to hold a real newborn baby..."
ReplyDeleteChrist! Don't give them any ideas.
And if they can't find one, you don't get the abortion. Furthermore, women with newborns will be quite free to refuse to let their babies be handled, and their medical insurance premiums will skyrocket if they choose to do so.
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